“What about our wee country” – Barry Hunter.
Northern Ireland and Switzerland meet each other in a two legged play off in November 2017 to qualify for the World Cup in Russia 2018. So this buck eejit right here, Northern Irishman In Poland had a look at 17 concrete brick reasons why the Swiss are “Doomsday Booked” to be knocked out on their hole and why the GAWA bandwagon will roll the Swiss out, brushing them aside in Basel on route to the Russia World Cup. #gawa #norniron
As yer Granny used till say “on yer bike son “. Fresh from the dreams of backpacking my way to Gliwice where I watched Northern Ireland under 19s come third in a tournament with Germany, Poland and Belarus.
“Teenage dreams so hard till bate” – The Undertones.
And why will Northern Ireland beat Switzerland and qualify? Here are 17 brick wall reasons:
“You’ve gotta make it happen. You’ve gotta make it happen” – Noel Gallagher.
1.Switzerland always lose in Belfast
Facts don’t lie. Switzerland have never even got a draw in Belfast. They always lose. ALWAYS. Every time.
2.Switzerland have never scored in Belfast
Facts don’t lie. Switzerland have never even scored a goal in Belfast. The Swiss rarely even register a shot on target in those games! Talk about being “Doomsday Booked!!”
3. Northern Ireland have never lost a World Cup Play Off
Facts don’t lie. Northern Ireland have never lost a World Cup Play Off! In fact their last two play offs they punched well above their weight beating the then Czechoslovakia and the mighty Italy. Italy still have nightmares about that one (in 1957) as it’s the only time in their history that they haven’t qualified for the World Cup! Up yer hole Mussolini!
4. Jackie Fullerton
Northern Ireland will field their Talisman Jackie Fullerton in both matches. Famous for his “it’s in the corner” s and “what a strike” s, the big man will be on top form to roll the Swiss. What’s more, is that 98% of Swiss people surveyed admitted they’d never heard of him. They better be ready for our Jackie. You won’t forget him!
“I’m yer man and I’ll be in the stand cheering Northern Ireland cos they’ll do the best they can” – Sammy Mackie.
5. The Swiss FA are sh*t scared of the Notorious GAWA
The Swiss FA are so scared of Northern Ireland ‘s notorious singing cult, the GAWA (Green and White army) that they allocated them the mere minimum 5% of away tickets – 1,800 seats. As a result, many members of the GAWA are either buying tickets in the Swiss end or Sky Diving into the stadium without a ticket. Extra toilets have been provided to the Swiss fans in fear of excrement quantities exceeding the normal amount. There will be a queue for the (number 2) toilet for those wearing red. Those in green will also have to queue (but only for the number 1) after overdosing on Swiss beer.
6. Switzerland in the “Northern Irish language” translates as SH*TE (SCHWEIZ)
When the drunken translation of your country’s name in the opposition’s language means “SH*TE “, you know yer in for a hiding. Ask any Northern Irish person to say the word “Schweiz” after two bottles of BUCKFAST and you will only hear the word “SH*TE “. “Schweiz youse are sh*te!”
7.The Netherlands are not there
Omens are good for Northern Ireland . The fact that the Netherlands didn’t qualify means Northern Ireland will. In Northern Ireland’s 3 previous World Cup appearances the Dutch weren’t there (1958, 1982, 1986). There is a rumour that FIFA do not permit the Netherlands and Northern Ireland at the same World Cup due to fears of an “Orangefest”. And hey, by no mean coincidence the Swiss weren’t there in 1958, 1982 or 1986 either. That’s why FIFA drew the teams together.
When the Switzerland manager (Vladimir Petković ) heard that they were playing Northern Ireland he immediately went to the toilet and poo-ed his pants. “Ireland” manager Michael “One-Nil” admitted he could smell the excrement off his counterpart. The Northern Irish have provided the Swiss with diarrhoea prevention pils just in case the players suffer a similar reaction when they see “Gladiator Gareth” headbutt the ball intill the back of their net.
9.In their history Switzerland have only scored in 1 of 4 meetings with Northern Ireland
Facts don’t lie. Switzerland have only ever scored in one of their previous 4 encounters with Northern Ireland. As themmuns in thon bakery in Bangor say “wee buns so they are”.
10.Sweet Northern Ireland was born in Switzerland!
Iconic Neil Diamond doctored song “Sweet Caroline ” traces it’s roots back till Switzerland in 2004. The songs lyrics were changed to “Maik Taylor back in nets there ” and “Sweet Northern Ireland, woah oh oh. Good times never seemed so Good”. Northern Ireland fans are looking forward till their return to the birthplace of this legend. It’s been a hard-core GAWA tune ever since.
11.Trumps Boys are Out
When the GAWA heard that the Untied States of America lost to Trinidad and Tobago and were pipped till the World Cup by Canalic Panama there was a party on the streets of Ballyclare. The reason again being that when the Untied States of America don’t qualify, Northern Ireland do. Back in 1958 the Yanks weren’t there and suffered the same fate in 1982 and 1986. Tank Josh Magennis is ready for it. He’ll be Hashtagging #nousa to Jonny Steele before the two games are up…and yes, I still get to love Jonny Steele…
12. 54 and f**K all since
The only time Switzerland have done anything of note football wise was in 1954 when they hosted the World Cup. In that tournament they beat Italy 4-1 (well done lads) but despite scoring FIVE goals in the Quarters, they lost 7-5 to rivals Austria (I am not kidding). They co-hosted the Euros in 2008, going out in the first round without any kind of aplomb.
13.Only Champions Win in Belfast
The only 2 teams to win a competitive match against Northern Ireland in Belfast since 2012 are World Champions Germany and European Champions Portugal!!! And Portugal only won because Ronaldo scored a hat-trick and we had two players sent off! In short if yer nat a champ Northern Ireland’ll bate ye.
14. Northern Ireland have never lost on 12th November
Let’s face it – it just doesn’t happen – Northern Ireland do not lose on the 12th November!!! In fact – never conceded a goal – last match was in 1986 a 0-0 vs Turkey.
15. The Swiss had a piss easy group
Have you seen it???? To get into the play off the Swiss had a piss easy group. They had to overcome zero World Cup qualifiers Andorra, Faroe Islands and Latvia. Even that was 18 points they struggled with, a dodgy 2-1 win over Andorra and a 1-0 v. Latvia (without a “Stephen Craigan was dropped” excuse). They then had Hungary who had lost 4-0 in their Euro Second Round match and who Northern Ireland had already taken 4 points off, one of them with ten men after Bairdinho’s red card. Finally they were toothless when up against Ronaldo and their only excuse for beating Portugal at home was that Ronaldo wasn’t playing.
Please don’t take him away. #yamd
17. Stephen Rowley from Newtownards
Point 17 and probably could have been first, or we save the best for last? Bout ye Stephen Rowley. If well travelled Northern Ireland and Ards FC fan Stephen Rowley says that he is 100% convinced Northern Ireland will win, you can be sure he is right. Rowley is a veteran NI fan and World Cup nomad having been at all three of Northern Ireland’s recent tournament appearances (1982, 1986, 2016) including the famous “Arconada…Armstrong!” match in Spain 1982. Rowley famously opened a 30 year old MEXICAN BEER here, having kepp a battle of Mexican beer in his attic for 30 years before the Poland match in June 2016. One of the finest football fans and men I have ever met:
Oh and I met Stephen in a bar the very day we dicked the Ukraine in Lyon in 2016 and he predicted a wee 2-0 win for the Ulster boys. We won 2-0, having never previously bate the Ukraine in 4 previous meetings.
The roads are busy tonight, close the door on yer way home. 😉
“Away in a manger” – (Christmas) Roy Carroll.